Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A Long Story

      Hey you guys! This is a realllllly long story, so if you read the whole thing, you're amazing. No, this isn't a story I wrote up for a local fiction contest, or something I made up when I was bored, this is MY story. This is the story of my life lately, straight from the heart. So, here goes.
      As most of you probably know, I started going to my local public high school last fall. I was homeschooled before, and this was a big step for me. Being a social butterfly and very outgoing, I enjoyed being around lots of people, which was a nice break from only being around my brothers and parents all day, every day. But things changed, I changed, and I'm not happy about how I changed.

     As of a couple of weeks ago, I had no idea how much I had changed, but then, someone I knew before I went to my public high school said that I had changed, for the worse. This confused me, a lot. And it got me thinking. I think the biggest way I've changed is that I'm not as happy as I used to be, and this is for a lot of reasons which I'm going to start explaining.

   Part 1: The first (and probably biggest) reason I'm not happy: I've crept further and further away from God. I don't mean that I'm becoming Atheist, or even leaving the Catholic church, it's just when you're exposed to everything in the public school system at once, it gets you thinking. I thought that I could find myself if I stopped being so close to God. Which, sounds stupid, but since my parents are so deeply rooted in the Catholic faith, I thought that doing the opposite of what they do would make me "freer" and my own person. I also thought people would like me if I acted ignorant about the beautiful religion I was so deeply educated in. But it didn't help. I found that I wasn't happy when I was far away from God, and acting like I didn't like being Catholic didn't help with people liking me AT ALL. In fact, I think they could see right through my acting and knew I was just being fake, which probably turned them off even more. This past weekend, a close family friend was celebrating his first mass after his ordination as a priest, and the look of extreme happiness on his face made me realize how genuinely happy he was, and it was all because he was so close to God. And being far from God didn't help me feel free, even if I wasn't doing what my parents were doing for once, it just made me feel.....LOST. I felt so alone, so sad, and it was all because I thought it was time for this big girl (who's not even 16 yet...ha) to be independent. Now that I know it's so different, I'm a lot happier, and I feel relieved. I don't care if I know more stuff about religion than the average public-schooler does, that's the way I want it! (Not hating against those of you who are public schooled, just to clarify)

Part 2: The desperate search for friends and the epic failures that always came along with it. It's true, I don't have friends. Well, that's not entirely true, I have two friends, one guy friend, one girl friend. But I don't even know how I have that many. As I mentioned before, I think I acted a little fake around the people I knew. I acted like I didn't like being Catholic, I acted like a ditz, I acted like I wasn't talented, and I actually tried the "bad-girl" thing. Yep, none of them worked. I thought I could get friends if I tried to fit in, but I'm pretty sure they could see through my acting. And, on top of having like no friends, I also wasn't happy with myself. I knew that that wasn't the best I could be, and I knew that wasn't the true me...which was just wrong.

Part 3: Hoping for my Prince a freshman. I'm sure every girl has dreams of their Prince Charming. Handsome, Talented, and everything else a girl could want, and willing to give his special girl all the love he had. But you see, I wanted that love now. I guess it came along with feeling alone because of the lack of closeness with God, and the fact I had no friends, but I just wanted to feel loved and respected, and I thought I'd find it in a guy in my small town. I still haven't had a boyfriend, but I still dream about going to movies with the right guy, my first kiss that I still haven't had, and walks holding hands while watching a beautiful sunset. But as I searched for that love, I realized I was missing out on the people who loved me the most: my family. Even though my brothers can be a pain, I know they love me and I love them. So thank you to my wonderful family for always being there and making me feel loved.

These are just some of the big things that have contributed to my unhappiness, but I think I've finally found out what that one person meant. I think he could tell that I wasn't happy with myself, and THAT is how I've changed. So here I am, leaving my thoughts and feelings open to the whole world, but I figure maybe I can inspire some one, some way. Maybe it's being more active in your faith, maybe it's letting your true person shine, and maybe it's realizing that your family loves you no matter what. But I hope you have taken at least ONE thing out of this, and that's to be the best person you can be, because when you are, I think that's when you're truly happy.